Every month Nguyễn Hoàng Giang shares two of his favourite secrets/dreams/desires he has been asked to illustrate on his Black Hole blog.
February 2015
#118
Female, Scorpio, Fire in the Oven.
12th grade, abused by a ‘friend’s cousin’. He flirted with me, took me out for dinner, then raped me. I was too dumb a 12th grader to not know that I lost my so-called “precious purity” to a man. Feeling: Hurt! After that I still foolishly went out with him several times, just for my head being pressed to his dick. Only when I moved to another city for college did it all end.
Freshman year in college – highschool sweetheart came back. After we’d had sex, he told me: “You lost it. I don’t love you anymore”.
Sophomore year – met my second romance. Sex. Hooked up. Abortion. With money lent to me by a roomate. I was in shock, I skipped class and stayed home to weep all day, sometimes babbled as if possessed by the unborn child and then was kept in hospital for a week. The thing I regretted the most was that I told my secret to my closest roomate. She knew and so the other two would know too.
Junior year – still seeing the second boyfriend. Got pregnant for the second time. Lost my second baby. In secret. End of junior year, my period was late for almost a month. The ultrasound showed an ovarian cyst, the size of an egg. At the same time morning sickness, two lines on the pregnancy test. The ultrasound did not show the fetus, but the doctor told me to go to a qualified hospital as there was a tumor. My relationship started to go sour at the time. The day I had my roomate take me to the hospital, my boyfriend showed up for five minutes and the first thing he asked me was if I had some dough. Gave him 20k. A few days later my period came, so I dismissed the thought that I was with child. I decided I’d go back to my hometown and have an operation after the finals. Endoscopic surgery, and unexpected ectopic pregnancy, thus left with an oviduct removal. My mom found out, nagged me the whole way home. The boyfriend came to look after me in the hospital for a couple days. After the operation, my weigh went down to 38 kilos, I had to stay home for almost three months. Decided to stop seeing my boyfriend, after constant cheating and bullying. Not to mention taking care of all his shit. I even stole my mom’s gold to pay my debt and support him. Disgusting me!!!!
Senior year – my health remained stable a while thanks to a bunch of supplements. Started seeing the third man who had a decent job and decent looks. The relationship was going well. Thought I was gonna marry him. Got pregnant for the fourth time when the end of senior year was approaching. My man vaguely mentioned a wedding, but after some analysis, a No it was. He took me to a big city to get rid of the baby. The fourth time in my life! I remembered scattering a lot of 500, 1000, 2000 notes on every corner I passed as he had told me to. A little while after he appeared to be dating someone else. I foolishly used sex as a way to keep him. We broke up as a result.
I managed to graduate from college, moved to a new place and went in search for a job. While being unemployment I got to know my fourth boyfriend through Ola – an online dating platform. He was one year younger than me and still in college. He loved me rapturously and that freaked me out. Unfortunately I got pregnant for the fifth time. And an abortion it was, this time with pills. I bled like hell. Had to quit my job and go home. End of my fourth romance.
Then came the fifth. A three year long-distance relationship. We fought – broke up – got back together. In those three years I had sex with many others. A whore!!! Post-operation monthly periods come as frequently as the electricity bill. I’m smart enough now be on the pill, use a condom or ask my partner to pull out before he comes.
Some men told me I was unforgettable in bed.
October 2013, broke up with fifth boyfriend.
July 2014, started dating the sixth.
Me – who loves unconditionally and stupidly, who puts her loved one over everything else – only was a momentary pleasure to many. Love has denied me for myriad excuses. But my current boyfriend knows not of my filthy past and has started giving me a little peace of mind. He doesn’t come to see me for a booty call. We don’t meet just in bed.
Yet, I doubt my right to happiness. Over and over again I evilly terminated my own babies. I committed the same crime time and time again and learnt no lesson. I cried a river over my mistakes. Am I paying for those? Day for day I’m playing the role of a good girl with a steady job and a fine salary to support my parents, whose past is filled with stains that can’t be cleaned in a lifetime. Do I deserve happiness???
