#105
I don’t think my secret is special, but I can’t tell it to anybody because sometimes people think they have the right to judge you although the only thing they know about you is your name. I will keep my mouth shut even in front of my most beloved.
I don’t enjoy sex with my husband, even as a newlywed I didn’t. I was infatuated though with the feelings I had when being close to the one I love. I remember so well that thrill of the kisses we’d shared before we got married. I always search for that long-gone desire. We now make love just to do our duty. The cursory kisses, the cold hugs without genuine comfort from the other. We used to have a great mutual understanding in bed. I rarely had an orgasm, but sometimes when I did, my husband came too. I hardly ever climax now.
I can’t tell if my husband is having an affair or not. He doesn’t come home late from work too often, but he has business trips now and then. I know there will be conflicts during married life and distance that needs erasing. The quarrels don’t really bother me, but the absence of sexual passion has turned us into two icebergs. I feel lonely next to the one I’ve chosen.
I suspect my husband, without a reason. But I’m not telling him that. I want to try my best to revitalise what we have. Hopefully when I pour my heart and soul out for this, I’ll get what I long for. I haven’t had a child yet, and I can take care of myself in case a break-up happens. Still, I’m scared.
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The Black Hole blog is a project by Hanoi based illustrator Nguyễn Hoàng Giang, who for over a year now has illustrated over 100 secrets and dreams of people who send them to him. To learn more about why he has embarked on this journey into people’s darkest corners of the mind and to maybe let him venture into yours, visit his website: www.caihoden.com/about
Translation Tabby Chino
